...you don't succeed.

Check this out, on my 21st birthday in 2000, I celebrated with my best friend Tony at his girlfriend's house on Lake Street.

On my 22nd birthday in 2001, I celebrated with my best friends Sloth and Joe at my dorm.

On my 23rd birthday in 2002, I celebrated with my best friends Felix and Scott at my apartment on T Street.

On my 24th birthday in 2003, I got freakin' married!!!

On my 25th birthday in 2004, I celebrated with my best friends Emily and Madeleine at our home.

I think that's pretty damn cool.

Felix, I am always with you.

Oldies, but good for a laugh:
The Ultimate Battle

Worst Video Game Ever

Strange Searches

Michael Jackson's Poor Damn Face

and, yes...

FHQWHGADS!!!

Well, um... back here in the present, I'm at home with a sore toe... I had an ingrown nail removed again today. Emily's playing the Sims... her character's name is "Melvagina Keylime." I can't play that damn game, I get so frustrated when it takes your Sim an hour to take a shit, while they're complaining that they want to go play piano. First things first, Melva. Anyways, I'm on the "Undead" campaign on Warcraft III, and I'm not all that excited to play as bad guys. (e.g. I never owned a single Dark Side card in my Star Wars Card Game deck. And I had a decent deck... for a beginner.) So, I'm reading blogs (I am officially staying out of the current drama), and checking out all the college football websites. Let me tell you, the amount of talk about a perfect season for the Utes is starting to alarm me. Right now I'm just hoping they beat Texas A&M, and worry about the rest later. I just don't know how they'll stand up to all the pressure if they become this year's TCU. Speaking of TCU, they beat Texas 47-20 on November 12, 1955. I checked it. Why is that relevant? Because they actually report that on the radio while Biff is looking at Gray's Sports Almanac that very night in Back To The Future II. While we're at it, did you know that Texas and Missouri tied at zero apiece in an exibition game in Mexico City on December 27, 1896? No? Well, now you do. What an amazing thing this so-called Internet is, eh? Thank you Al Gore. Man, Melvagina's husband just burnt down the damn kitchen!

So, on the drive to Denver, Felix told me that he would like to be defined by what he likes, not by what he dislikes. When you think about it, it's actually a pretty profound philosophy to live by in this day and age. After all, as I listened to the eulogy the next day, I realized that the things you enjoy are what will be remembered. (I could only imagine: "Christopher hated mushrooms, Stephen King movies, Rick Fox, BYU, melted cheese, George W. Bush, the Legacy Highway, and most of all, Celine Dion.") Anyways, while it does give me a new direction to strive for, this philosophy doesn't give me much to blog about... yet. Hopefully soon you will all be reading more positive blogs.

Oh yeah, and fuck Celine Dion!

Almost instinctively, I want to say "I wish I was there when this happened." As if my insignificant presence would have somehow made things better. Or I feel guilt for being so out of contact over the summer. Or I think about how much I had been anticipating his response to my blog on his College Football Revue. It's like all I can think about is myself when it comes to Scott. I want to let him know how much I am willing to help him through this, but I need not be so selfish. More importantly, I want him to be ok.

Bob Londsbury is a fucking idiot.  This morning, a caller challenged him by saying that Kerry will cut taxes more for earners under $200,000, and that Bush only cut it for earners above $200,000.  Our local idiot, Bob tried to tow the party line and deconstruct the argument by saying that rich people pay far more taxes, so the figures look distorted when they get a cut.  Now this is word for word, no lie, from Londsbury: "The top ten percent pay sixty percent of all the taxes.  And the top two percent pay nintey percent of all the taxes."

It's a beautiful idea, but it doesn't fucking work!

So, Michael Moore was on Jay Leno last night.  Yeh, I still love the guy.  The best part was when Jay mentioned that some Republicans who saw the movie said they thought it was fair to Bush, and Moore responded: "They did?  I didn't."

News for today:
Linda Ronstadt was ordered off the premises of the Aladdin Casino in Las Vegas when she dedicated the song "Desperado" to Michael Moore.

Whoopi Goldberg was fired as spokesperson for SlimFast when she made a joking sexual reference using President Bush's name.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asked voters to "terminate" their Democratic lawmakers, calling them "girlie men."  (He was not fired.)

Wyoming is no paradise, but at least adulthood is legal there.  I spent the weekend in Lander, which if you're looking on a map of nowhere, is just west of the middle.  I love my wife and daugher so much; without them this trip would hardly have been bearable, much less enjoyable as it was.  And now I've returned with the customary contraband: a brick of firecrackers and a case of "out-of-state" beer.   Why the hell does the churchstate mandate that our beer be watered down, anyways?  It's fucking ridiculous.

Oh, and all this talk of the Patriot Act inspired me to pick up a copy of "1984" and read it over the weekend.  What an awesome novel!  I realized as I was reading that I had no idea how it would end, and just how rare that is nowadays with popular works of fiction.   Anyways, I loved it.  My palms were sweaty for the last sixty pages.

Fox News can't even report the weather without being sensationalistic and propagandist about it.  I've never seen a weather report on that channel before, but this weekend they were predicting floods in New York and Texas and severe hailstorms in the midwest.  Be Afraid! they basically said, Be Very Afraid!  Fox News pisses me off.  It was the perfect compliment to 1984 this weekend.  They bring on dummy guests to their personality shows and ask them things like "Isn't all this talk about the Administration planning to capture Osama right before the election pure lunacy?"  "Yes Bob, it is.  Liberals are stupid."  "And what do you think of Hillary Clinton being allowed to speak at the DNC?" "Well, Bob, she's crazy and so is everyone who voted for her husband."

Maybe 1984 has temporarily colored my view of things.  I want to call Utah Beer "Victory Gin" and Hannity & Colmes the "Two Minute Hate."

I bought a CD by Guided By Voices.  Hmm...  I think the singer enunciates too much.  The music is great, but I don't want to understand that stupid shit he's singing about.  I wish I had bought the Mooney Suzuki instead.

Oh, and what's the word on Franz Ferdinand (the band)?  Their "Take Me Out" somehow sounds like The Strokes trying to cover Modest Mouse's "Float On."  I am cautiously interested...
 
Ok, gotta get back to work.  See ya 

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What the hell is this?  I hate things that change.
 
I've got plenty to write about but no time to write it.  Really quick:  Reed: It blows that things didn't work out last night... but we'll make up for that soon.  Some time next week.   Religious Zealots: God gave us stem cell research to heal the world.  Don't spit in the face of the gifts god gives us and claim to be following his will.  There's a circle in hell for you.  Utah: First of all, grow the fuck up.  Second of all, I'll see ya later, bitch... I'll be in Wyoming for the weekend.
 
Ok, I'm out.
 
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What a wonderful resource we have in a certain television station that broadcasts all the plans and propaganda of those who hate our freedom and wish to take it from us. Al-Jazeera? No! Fox News!!! The other day they told us that the Bush Regime is considering postponing this fall's election due to terror concerns. AHA! Here we go, kids. They've pretty much taken away our due process by means of the Patriot Act, and now they think they're going to take away our voting rights. What a horrifying nation we're becoming.

Now, I have my own theories as to what will transpire shortly before the november election to scare people away from the polls, but in all honesty, I am too afraid to post them here. Yeh, I've been terrorized by my own government. I don't feel as though my speech is truly free. I'm afraid that if my predictions come true, I could get myself into serious trouble. This site is flagged, after all.

Then again, how efficient is the FBI? There are many people (myself included) who believe that the U.S. is leaving itself wide open to attack. They are instilling us with fear, and providing an illusion that they are trying to protect us. But the fear is vital to their plan of remaining in power, so why would they ever truly eliminate that threat?

History repeats itself. Why are people so trusting that our government isn't corrupt? There hasn't been a nation in history that wasn't ruled and eventually ruined by corruption. It seems to be human nature - power corrupts. Duh! So part of the reason that civil libertarians such as myself believe that the constitution is so brilliant is because it actually attempted to create an uncorruptable government. It constructs a system of checks and balances and separation of powers so that the people wouldn't get screwed over again. I guess they just couldn't have imagined how ruthless, greedy, and diabolical people like Karl Rove could be.

Maybe the apocalypse did come in 2000, when the empire of the undead siezed control of the most powerful country in the world, and began systematically destroying the face of the planet. All with Britney Spears's full support, mind you.

Blah! I'm done!

♪

Wow, it's Lunes all ready, and nobody's posted since Miércoles?

Heads up: I've turned you all in. Soon you will be contacted by a member of the print media and asked to explain your involvement in so-called "Night Games."

Ok, the real story is that my aunt Brooke is writing a story about night games like Hide and Seek and I told her about when we all played Kick the Can at Emily's parents' house last fall, and all the neighbors called and complained. Anyways, she asked if she could call you guys and just ask some questions... I hope you don't mind. You may retain full anonymity should the story put you in a compromising position. Or this could be your big break into fame and riches beyond your wildest dreams!!!

Ok, I'll shut up about that now.

Also, I saw "Fahrenheit 9/11" this weekend. I really can't review the movie as a movie though. I know Reed hates it, and Joe and Sloth both think it's cheesy and immature. But honestly, I don't know what to think about the movie, 'cos I was just so caught up in the message.

I mean, we all know we're fucked. I didn't need the movie to tell me that. But being graphically reminded of it for two hours really got to me, man. So I don't really know how the movie was... but I guess I am glad that it exists.

Last night I was asked to explain, with factual evidence, why I hate Celine Dion. Can you do that? Can you give facts for why every time you hear someone's disgusting voice you want to bludgeon yourself in the head with the nearest blunt object? Dear God, I hate her more than I hate Bush.

Oh, and to switch to another topic with no segue, Emily and I are buying a house. It's up by Brighton High School, and it has an incredible view of the entire valley. It's pretty fucking awesome, and I can't wait for you all to see it. I'll be mowing the lawn and painting the house and stuff, with a dog and a cat, raisin' the kids with my lovely wife... it will pretty complete my journey to becoming the disgustingly happy family man.

♪

I listened to Harvy Danger "Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone?" on the drive into work this morning. I haven't played that CD since I lived at T Street, and I had no idea it had become so packed with nostalgia. Suddenly, all I could think about was playing Crown Chess, saying things like "Lick this chicken and see if you die," giving reports on olives and cigarettes, doing the peanut shake, and singing along with "Geek Havoc" as we drove to parties at Ana's house. I think August - November 2002 was one of the greatest periods of my life, and I can't help but look back on it with some longing.

We've all moved on and changed in a lot of ways since then. And I can't help but think that even though I'll be back at school with you all this fall, things will never be the same. I've been so out of touch with you, and I miss you all so much... maybe if you keep hanging out on wednesdays, then I'll have a chance to see you once a week. And then of course there's football on saturdays... I guess I'll stop daydreaming now and just see what happens in a couple months.

P.S. - This comment thing is causing this site some serious ass problems. Should we get rid of it?

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Goddammit. How in the name of fuck can a man beat his own daughter until he's broken her nose and the police arrest him?! I don't know if you guys have heard about it on the news, but John DiMartino - motherfucker extrordinaire - just beat the living crap out of my cousin on Wednesday night. I really hope he gets severely molested in prison. Fuck!

And you know what else? The Star Wars Trilogy is being released on DVD this September - Special Editions ONLY. Goddammit, I really hope George Lucas gets molested too. Either he just doesn't know how much we purists despise his shitty-computer-graphic tinkering with our favorite movies, or he is on a personal mission to alienate us. Obviously he must know, so I guess that means that he is just trying to piss us off. That fucker probably... listens to Celine Dion?

Ok, who the fuck put the Celine Dion station on the radio?!

I HATE Celine Dion. Maybe it's because her wobbly screech causes me to have uncontrolled bowel movements... I don't know. I gotta go change the radio before I soil my laundry.

♪

Look out U. here I come. Everytime I think I'm through with the U. something always brings me back. It's like a bad girlfriend. Anyways, expect to see me 'round campus on Monday and Wednesday mornings this fall. Basically I'm resigning myself to working on a business degree... I'm trying to divest myself of all those delusions of grandeur we call "optimism."

But I'm still recording music... looking for my big break!

It's July 1st, can you believe it? Well, maybe you can, but it sure snuck up on me. It's the Central Air that's fooling me. I've had two summers without it and I think I've become accustomed to the oppressive heat to let me know when summer is in full force. Anyways, are there any Independence Day plans that I should be aware of? Seeing as how us gentiles can celebrate it Saturday and Sunday, I think I should definitely see you guys at least one day this weekend. Let me know.

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